remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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