We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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