how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
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I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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