Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
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Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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