Got a toothbrush?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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