she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
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did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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