I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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