mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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