You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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