Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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