finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize