i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
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Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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