she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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