Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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