i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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