if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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