i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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