I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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