are you so shy because you have an std?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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