I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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