i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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