I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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