The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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