worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
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i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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