she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
please come you make the beer taste better
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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