Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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