a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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