Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize