Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
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Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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