and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
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Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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