Pappa wants mamma naked
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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