you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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