My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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