I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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