There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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