I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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