you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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