I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
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I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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