You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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