I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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