It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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