I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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