i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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