i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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