I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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