I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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