I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
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so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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