Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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