god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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