It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize